i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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