we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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