She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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