Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
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