If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
