she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
