I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
