The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
they're like a gay fantastic four
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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