i was born a porn star she said
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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