he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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