I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
