tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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