im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize