Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
