I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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