Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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