I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Randomize
