What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
