Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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