Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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