Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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