I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
