Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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