All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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