you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
