so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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