somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
