i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
