WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
