Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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