I didn't shave. On purpose
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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