Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
