i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
