Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
