Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
