I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
