The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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