My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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