you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
