I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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