alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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