and she was petting her beer can
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
