It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
