tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He better not be in your backpack
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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