i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
