You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
