I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
