This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Randomize
