I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
