I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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