White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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