she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
