guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
you made out with another girl for some wings
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
