i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
