The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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