when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
