you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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