shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
